spliskemacke

Andre Norton

Always the cat remains a little beyond the limits we try to set for him in our blind folly.

Amazing products, cats - and real simple to manufacture.

Cat bathing is a martial art.

And thou shall have dominion over all the beasts, except, of course, for cats!

Barry Pain

Buy visiting cards for the cat; she knows a lot more cats than we know people.

Are cats really intelligent aliens taking over the earth?

Doctor: "There's no doubt your husband's allergy is caused by your cat."

Woman: "Oh! No! That's terrible!"

Doctor: "No need to worry, I'm sure you can find him a good home."

Woman: "Oh, that won't be necessary, my husband is old enough to take care of himself."

The Truth about Cats

1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8) They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

Simple Tricks for Cats-or motives for mayhem

(Jon Roe)

Just when I was looking for something to devote the rest of my life to, what should come floating across my desk but a Parents magazine column entitled "Simple Tricks for Cats and Dogs."

The first sentence from authors Jo and Paul Loeb was shocking in its perversity: "Teaching their pets to do a simple trick or two is a great way for children to occupy themselves over Christmas vacation."

What kinds of sadists are putting out Parents magazine these days? Can you imagine a more cruel and inhumane thing to do to a poor little kid than to have him or her spend Christmas vacation trying to teach tricks to a cat?

No jury would convict that kid for doing in the parents on New Year's Day.

You can't teach an old cat new tricks, or a new cat old tricks. You can't teach a cat anything. I don't care what Jo and Paul Loeb say. Nonetheless, they blithely prattle away about training your "dog or cat" as if the two are interchangeable.

For instance, get a load of this:

"Shaking hands is one of the simplest but most sought after tricks. To teach it, first make your pet sit; then . . .

Hold it! First, Jo and Paul, would you tell us how to make a cat sit? Or maybe it would be better to simply begin the lesson whenever we happen upon a sitting cat.

. . . put your hand out as you would when you go to shake hands, and gently push him to one side with your other hand, throwing him slightly off-balance, while at the same time saying, 'Shake hands.' He will automatically lift his paw in order to regain his balance . . .

Wrong! He will automatically lift his paw in order to put a six-inch gash in your hand. Let's move on to the next trick.

Eating out of a can is a great trick for cats. Start off by giving your cat a taste of his favorite food on the outside of the can . . .

Hold it! My cat's favorite food is crabmeat crepes, and they don't come in cans.

. . . where he can easily smell and taste it. Once he licks the food off the outside of it, he'll start associating the food with the can.

Obviously these two have never opened a can of cat food at 6 a.m. while a cat screeches in their ears, or they'd know cats already make that association.

Get a supply of his favorite food in large size cans. Let you cat eat his meal out of a can instead of his feeding bowl. After a few days, try feeding him out of a can that is only half full. With this, he will no longer be able to eat out of it with his mouth. But, since it is mealtime, he will be hungry and will try to get at his food by using his paw.

Wow! What a great trick! Messy, too. Maybe after that, we could train him to kick his kitty litter all over the kitchen floor.

Rolling over is best suited to dogs, but cats can learn it too--it just takes a little more work . . .

Uh-huh. Just a little more work. Your kids will be able to pass it on to their kids and it could become a holiday tradition as each succeeding generation attempted to teach the cat to roll over.

How to give a cat a pill:

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for vet to make a house call.

Strict, Unbending Rules for Dealing with Stray Cats

Stray cats will not be fed.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

Stray cats will sleep outside.

Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

Stray cats will sleep in the house.

Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

Stray cats will not play on the desk.

Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.

The Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

The Cat's Diary

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.